The Academy Awards, aka the Oscars, happen to us next Sunday night (the 25 of February). By happen to us, I of course refer to the media hype that will ensue as we digest the red carpet, terrible jokes and stage banter and of course the winners. As for the awards themselves, the nominees in the respective categories may not please everyone. To that end, Esquire has put together an alternative list of film-making bests.

Best 9/11 Movie: The Departed
Best Comedy Featuring Sacha Baron Cohen: Talladega Nights
Best Betrayal of a Comic-Book Ethos: X-Men: The Last Stand
Best man for the job: Michel Gondry for Dave Chappelle’s Block Party
Best Performance by an Actor Whose 15 Minutes Have Long Since Expired: Vin Diesel in Find Me Guilty
Best One-Two Punch: Spike Lee
Best Kids’ Movie Featuring Absolutely no Talking Animals: Monster House
Best Premise: La Moustache
Best Picture About a Turn-of-the-Century Magician in Love with Esquire’s Sexiest Woman Alive: The Prestige
AND THE LOVE-IT -OR -HATE -IT AWARD GOES TO… Inland Empire

See the article for the rationale of each choice.