Steven Wright is one funny man. Perhaps you have heard of him and perhaps you have not. That, my friends, is immaterial. What matters is you take a moment to enjoy some of his funny stuff. Oh, and he has a new comedy album out, ‘Steven Wright‘. Click the link in the preceding sentence to listen to some samples at Amazon.

via Steven Wright Quotes:

My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness. — Steven Wright

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the
road an hour. — Steven Wright

I have two very rare photographs.
One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
– Steven Wright

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
– Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
– Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
– Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums. — Steven Wright

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
– Steven Wright

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
– Steven Wright

What’s another word for Thesaurus? — Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
– Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?” — Steven Wright

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? — Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
– Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
– Steven Wright

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
– Steven Wright

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I
stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate
cake?” I said, “yes”. — Steven Wright

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’ll
give me the other one next year. — Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?”
I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.” — Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out. — Steven Wright

I had amnesia once or twice. — Steven Wright