It was Lydia who first pleaded the nation’s objections to Tyler’s use of scotch tape. She insinuated with the force of a lost tourist in Kuala Lumpur, that either a cold or grief, not genius, had struck Tyler. Tyler claimed otherwise.
The greater federal populous enlisted the aid of Tyler’s best friend since reformed finishing fishing school, Damien S. Bows. Damien was an eternalist who only believed in working on days that ended with the letter y and didn’t have 1’s in the dates. He perceived them as too upright. The ones that is.
Damien stood in front of Tyler’s apartment and knocked on the door. Damien was relieved to find that the door was locked and free of lint. The door opened and Damien waved to the camera before entering.
Tyler greeted Damien with great fan-fare, offering coupons redeemable upon his next visit. Damien graciously declined the coupons fearing that by taking them, Tyler might feel that he was taking his life away. The two then sat on the floor next to the radiator with their socks tied around their wrists, as was the custom in Tyler’s upbringing. Damien always meant to ask Tyler about the history of this custom but never quite found the proper amount of appropriate time to ask.
Tyler began the conversation by introducing a new angle into their ongoing argument of if a possum was properly trained, could it win public office. Damien reviewed his friend’s rhetoric and conceited defeat in the argument. Tyler realizing that this part of their friendship was over, decided that there was no other reason for the two to remain friends who went to bull fights. As a result, Tyler’s pile of rice cakes was thrown at Damien. Damien, unaware of his friend’s true intentions became caught up in the momentum of the evening began to phonetically recite Beethoven’s 5th backwards.
“Liar!” Tyler screamed to break the flexing.
“Pocket watch,” replied Damien.
“Dickens!” Tyler exclaimed.
“Dynamic?” came Damien’s reply.
“Exactly,” Tyler said as he calmed down by placing his left hand in a jar of mayonnaise. “This is why I want to purchase a dictionary and put my picture next to the word dynamic. So every time a person were to look up that word in my dictionary, they would see my face next to it,”
Damien read Tyler’s subtitles and spoke to Tyler in a mousetrapped voice. “You can’t do that. It’s not right. You would be taking away purpose and meaning away from a meaningful purpose.”
“No, I wouldn’t. I would be adding a scintillating and tenacious sense of unobstruction,”
Damien started to feel ill at the sound of Tyler’s words bouncing through the springtime air without having brushed their teeth. He had conceited defeat in their prior argument and vowed that he would not lose this one. “Yes,” shouted Damien.
“No,”
“Yes,”
“No,”
“Yes, yes,”
“No, no,” Their child-like bickering carried on for anther five minutes. Meanwhile the price of rubber rose as the nation waited to find out if all was well in the East.
“Yes,”
“No”
“No,” said Damien attempting to lure Tyler into his trap.
“Yes,” answered Tyler, falling for the rouse.
“See, even you, agree,” Damien stuffed. Tyler began to shake and call for pancakes.
“You are right, I was a fool to think it would work. I am so ashamed. Please leave me,” Damien respected his friend’s wishes and left.
Upon the announcement of the outcome, Mayor Bohr decided not to pursue a romantic affair with a Marylyn Monroe look-a-like’s sister. Tyler sold his apartment and quite his job as a hat blocker and moved to Denver to wash carpets for a marble flooring company.
(C) 2006, Marty Finestone