Dear Ferdinand…is a (hopefully for you) humourous ficticious series of letters written by Laszlo to his Ferdinand.
05-24-86
Dear Ferdinand
I am alone, tired, and confused. The temperature is mild and I can hear coyotes in the distance. Buffalo is a big city. I have found that there are no buffaloes here. What were they thinking? I think I shall sue the city for false advertisement. I am scared here in Buffalo. Why did I listen to the microwave and move here? Why?
Laszlo
06-08-86
Dear Ferdinand
To fill my time I began a lawsuit against the city over the buffalo incident. I think that I have a good case. My rolling compulsion has worsened. I have rolled everything in my apartment from the napkins to the wallpaper from the wall. I had to fight myself not to roll this letter but I lost. Bill and Stella are fighting. I think I will just keep my shoes on so they don’t see each other. How is the weather in Albuquerque? Has the snow come to where you are yet? I must now go to the hospital for stitches.
Laszlo
06-22-86
Dear Ferdinand
I went for a job interview today, it was for a part-time dentist. I think that I have a good chance in getting the position. I saw a buffalo today so I guess I have to drop the lawsuit. I had an encounter with aliens last night. They asked me several questions and replaced my clothes with exact replicas. It is now one twenty one in the morning. Good morning!
Laszlo
07-06-86
Dear Ferdinand
Where are you? The lawsuit is back on when I realized that the buffalo I saw was on television. I haven’t heard from the dentist yet. I still have much hope in succeeding in getting the job. I just love the sound of the drill. Dvvvvvvvzeh dvvvvvvvvvzeh dvvvvvvvvvvvvvzeh dvvvvvvvvvvvzeh. Mmm music to my ears. The aliens came back last night to borrow a cup of sugar and three eggs; I only had one.
Laszlo
07-21-86
Ferdinand
Help! Help! Help! I was standing in a line somewhere today and the person in front of me started to scratch their neck. I began to scratch mine and now I cannot stop. On a brighter note, at least it stops my rolling compulsion. When I look back at it all now, I realize how silly I was with all that roll roll roll roll. Ha ha! Bill and Stella are at it again. I bid you farewell and good day to you.
Laszlo
08-06-86
Dear Ferdinand
A road map sang to me today but it was in French. I feel numb. I heard from the dentist, they just laughed at me. I don’t understand your last letter, where is your what? Why must we communicate like this? After all we are not that far away.
Laszlo
08-19-86
Dear Ferdinand
I have not slept in 2 days. They are outside, that’s all I feel like saying at this point in time. They are probably listening to this as well. Can that be them? I must go. Farewell.
Laszlo
09-03-86
Dear Ferdinand
Stella left today, I now find it difficult to walk and I am feeling lonely. Before Stella left, I went to see the road map that sang to me but it was not there. Is there any hope? I went to see a hockey game today and it was exciting.
I do not know which team was which but it was fun. I highly recommend it as it just might give you a cool sensation around the neck. I had some root beer today and I can still feel its effects.
Laszlo
09-18-86
Dear Ferdinand
I went to a bowling alley and watched people large spheres towards larger pegs. Where is the fun in that? I was very hungry and did not get a turkey. I found a pamphlet with information that taught me how to prance. It has come into much use over the past few hours. If you would like I will send you the pamphlet and then you too will know how to prance. Oh what joy! However, this all begs to ask; if one is walking in a westward direction in India at 16:00, will they be passing by the world? Or will the world be passing by them? Ponder this while I make a milkshake. Bye, bye. Wink, wink.
Laszlo
10-02-86
Dear Ferdinand
I am very short of money, please send some. I apologize for the length of this letter but I have no money, please send some. I only have one hundred and twenty dollars left in my savings.
Laszlo
10-17-86
Dear Ferdinand
I saw a big white box today. I was able to see the message you wished to convey in your last letter. However, was the prose truly necessary? I now have a job where I test mattresses. I am sleepy now. Good night. But it’s only five o’clock in the afternoon, how can I be sleepy now? What about you? Good day.
Laszlo
10-30-86
Dear Ferdinand
I saw one of the most beautiful women in the city today. I offered her a glass of milk but she turned away. After that my knees started to tremble. Sell the flower seeds is my only response. Not to mention the skating jamboree is coming into town. Will it be cold? Will any nourishment be involved? Try the coffee with the eggs. Ta ta for now.
Laszlo
11-13-86
Dear Ferdinand
I found new employment today. For I found the mattress testing industry was too difficult. This new job is in the adult film industry. I do not know anything about adult films, except they are films for adults and they told me that they are fun. Bill is lonelier than I am. That is great! Tell the whole gang! I now have one hundred and nineteen rocks in my collection. It is growing at a tremendous rate. Oh my lucky stars! Farewell.
Laszlo
11-24-86
Dear Ferdinand
Today an interesting event occurred. A burly taxi cab driver with a hat made out of fake fur told me to use “slow door”. This was after I had closed the door to the taxi. Should I have apologized for not using slow door? What is slow door? What are the worlds coming to? I do not understand. I learned a new word today but I forget what it is. Do you think you could pass it to me? Why does that man have yellow hair? It is repugnant. I am off!
Laszlo
12-09-86
Dear Ferdinand
Today I was told by a librarian to read the writing on the wall. Later on in my day I was browsing through an antique toyshop and I looked at the wall and it said, “all dolls 50%”. What have they done to the other 50%? How could they harm the dolls by taking 50% away from them? I just wanted to smash them. I turn and ran outside. Once outside, a bird flew above. Is this a sign? Can it really be? If so, I do not think I am prepared. In that case, I best be off and commence preparations. Good luck.
Laszlo
12-20-86
Dear Ferdinand
Today I went out wandering. I found a newspaper that was friendless. What is society coming to? A bunch of savages in this world. Is it time for you to buy a new shoehorn yet? Don’t forget your promises to everyone in Buffalo. Earlier Stella mentioned something about corn and that she is coming back. Bill is enthused; needless to say I will be able to walk better. I am giddy with content. Hark! My pen is loosing ink. I think I will change the typewriter ribbon. Please try the coffee with the eggs.
Laszlo
01-15-87
Dear Ferdinand
Oh Ferdinand, today was a wonderful day! It was a raining and I got all wet!!! Did you feel the rain? I had visitors today, the most wonderful people I have ever seen. They were from a group called “the Holly Church of the Blessed Two”. They gave me a magnificent brochure. It had a delightful pictures and informative text. Good luck with the lawnmower. Yes I am still having trouble with the ants, all one hundred and eighteen of them.
Laszlo
04-09-87
Dear Ferdinand
I am sorry that I am writing you less and less. I just do not have the urge that I used to. Recently I walked by a store and a person sprayed me with an odorous mist from a bottle. I just wanted to fold them into a small disc. I do not understand how anyone can do something like that to a fellow human being. I have heard from the City of Buffalo, they explained everything to me and gave me a pen. In return I ended my lawsuit against the city. What justice!
Laszlo
04-20-87
Dear Ferdinand
I made a puzzle today and it had penguins on it. My legs are tired as Bill and Stella made up last night. I looked out the window today and saw birds fly by. Is this the second sign? Why must they mock us? I am glad to hear that you have chosen red over brown, it makes everything more symmetrical. Did you see the strange blue dot on my hat? I do not know where it came from. I re-read your letters and all I kept seeing was sausages. Did you mean to do this to me? I am not angry with you, only disappointed. Goodbye and I will try to forgive you.
Laszlo
05-05-87
Dear Ferdinand
In response to your statement, “When in Rome do as the Romans”, I can only reply, “I don’t feel like being Roman today”. Maybe next week but not today. This music is depressing I think I’ll change the song. It occurred to me today that I have no crayons, I vow with a vengeance to change that. When I walked to the plaza today, I wore a scarf. I got everything that I needed, I am so happy. Where do I get steady income to pay for my way of life you ask? Well not from the movies. After a period of unemployment, I decided to work for myself. I now manufacture widgets. Have you ever seen a widget? They are so cute that I kept one for myself for the purpose of inspiration. Right now there is a man in the hall holding up a bag, showing it to people as they pass by. You are right about the toothpick issue, yes it was me chewing on one, but I could not resist. Ta ta ta for now.
Laszlo
05-16-87
Dear Ferdinand
An amazing thing happened today! I bought a new pad of paper so now my letters can be longer in length. I consider this fantastic! My widget production is moving along at a rigorous pace. I met a doctor today, she said that she could help me. Though I do not have the faintest idea as to what she was referring to. Do you have any ideas as to what she was indicating? Why was your second to last letter in Russian? Is it because of the salad? I heard some wise words today and I have decided to share them with you. “Look both ways before you cross your feet.” Breathtaking insight. Truly fascinating.
I think tomorrow I will purchase a goldfish and name him Ovide. Bill and Stella are doing just fine. I ate one of the most delicious things on Earth today. It is called a “taco”. They actually have an eating establishment dedicated to the sale of “tacos”. In fact it has a bell; however, when I wanted to ring the bell they told me that it did not work and I cried. How could they lift and then trample my spirits in such a robust fashion? How? How? How? How? And why? Speaking of goldfish a dictionary fell on my foot. I guess I should have looked both ways before I crossed them. Ha ha ha!
Laszlo
06-06-87
Dear Ferdinand
Oh my dear Ferdinand. Ovide is so wonderful. He just swims around in the little bowl of his, entertaining me. He has one hundred and seventeen spots located on his body. I can not imagine what I have done without him. Rat-tat rat-tat rat-tat goes the drum. Sorry, I forgot I was writing you. Did you know midnight is where the day begins? Neither did I. I do not know if it is me or the penguin from the puzzle talking, but I am tired of writing you for today. Goodbye, dear Ferdinand. I shall speak to you soon.
Laszlo
06-14-87
Dear Ferdinand
Hello and how are things with you? Yes I do like chips. I was at a store the other day and a stranger told me that he was talking to a tomato earlier on in the day. Out of curiosity, I proceeded to ask him what the tomato had said. He answered that tomatoes cannot talk and called me silly. I felt so ashamed and insignificant. I tapped him on the forehead and ran home. When I got home, Ovide put on a stupendous show for me and it helped alleviate some of my pain but not all of it. My widget count is now off. These are not good times for me. I do not know what I will do. Perhaps I should visit the enchanted museum. Please send me some suggestions as to how to make me happy again. The doctor that I spoke about in a previous letter dropped by today; however, I was not home at the time and she left me a note. I am very curious. I will talk to you soon.
Laszlo
06-28-87
Dear Ferdinand
I am doing so much better. If I felt any better it would be illegal. How about yourself? My widget production is running smoothly at its normal rate. I went to a café today. I had a biscuit and a beverage. I do not remember what it was called so do not ask me that question again. Ovide says hello. What a funny word café is. It makes me laugh. Oh no the suicide king! Lookout!
I was watching television today and saw a beautiful pepper on television that was being cut up. At the time I did not know what to think. Though now I do. I think I will make my own garden and create a pepper even more beautiful than the one on television. I bought new shoes yesterday. Bill and Stella are adjusting; they find it comfortable and are pleased with my choice. It is time to go and feed Ovide, he says hello. Good night.
Laszlo
07-07-87
Dear Ferdinand
I accidentally stapled myself today. It caused me great metaphysical pain. The staple went into my hand. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! On a lighter note, I saw a fuzzy sweater, it was marvelous and it looked delicious. Ow! I also was able to ride the bus. That was very exciting. The bus took me to new places that I’ve never been to before. I was watching television last night and there was a cartoon show that spoke of a fascinating insight. Perhaps if my next pay cheque is large enough, I too will own a pair of moccasins. Oh no! I seem to have spilled some water on the paper. I am truly sorry, can you forgive me? Enclosed is a paper towel to assist with the mess. Good luck.
Laszlo
07-21-87
Dear Ferdinand
I am glad to hear that your interior decorating is progressing at a scrumptious rate. Your efforts have inspired me to do the same and also decorate. Today I purchased ten 100-foot rolls of aluminum foil and three rolls of transparent adhesive tape. I will begin decorating tonight. I can hardly wait! In fact I cannot wait any longer I will start now.
Laszlo
08-08-87
Dear Ferdinand
Oh my dear Ferdinand, it pained me greatly to have read in your last letter that you had a heart attack. Did you receive any warning? Were your defenses ready? It appears to me that your counter attack was successful. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I am now manufacturing a new colour of widgets, mauve. They are even more delicious than the original model. The other day on television, there was a woman with her hand in a puppet and she was making it sing. I do not think that this is proper, even at a time like this. I have decided to appoint Ovide as my official mascot.
I purchased a joystick today. It has not brought me any additional joy. I am convinced that it is all done with smoke and mirrors. Keep up the good spirits.
Laszlo
08-23-87
Dear Ferdinand
Is Christmas coming early this year? The decorating of my home was a success. With that behind me I shall continue with my preparations. Funny I do not remember seeing that blue van parked across the street. It has brought me great pleasure to hear that you too have a fish. For all non-intensive purposes I have lost all interest in puzzle making. Come now we must confound Jerry at every turn. I witnessed a rainbow today, it was spellbinding. I believe it was the one hundred and sixteenth rainbow that I have seen in my lifetime. Relish the thought. Talk to you soon.
Laszlo
09-07-87
Dear Ferdinand
There are one hundred and fifteen days left in the current year, are there not? I sit in wonder as to what the next year holds for us. On the note of coleslaw, I hope that your fish is entertaining you. Recently that female doctor that I have spoken about some time ago approached me. I asked her about your condition and she had no answers. Though she did explain my problem to me and gave me a pamphlet for a treatment for it. Oh, how are the ants you ask? They are gone now. I now have a stuffed nose. No, unlike the one that resides on your face, this particular nose is of the stuffed toy genre. It is formed to look like an enlarged nose, with the exception of legs, feet with shoes, and sunglasses. Is this the future of us all? I now fear my ears. Once again I am sorry for my insincerity.
Laszlo
09-30-87
Dear Ferdinand.
I observed on television that “second-hand” smoking is hazardous to one’s health. I have decided to commence smoking at once as to avoid this malady. I replied to the doctor that I will not seek treatment with her. I am wearing glasses and do not want surgery. My production enterprise has now expanded to include the manufacturing of humdingers. They are not as alluring and attractive as widgets, but they do have a strong sense of charisma. Last evening, I inadvertently cut a toenail too short. Stella is fuming over the incident. I still have been unable to reach any breakthroughs in answering the question, “what was the best thing before sliced bread?” Can you shed some light on the issue? If not, I guess it is one for the experts. Ready or not here I don’t come!
Laszlo
10-17-87
Dear Ferdinand
Remember the occasion where you had asked me if I liked chips? As our correspondence time is limited, I must confess that I do not like all types of chips. The ruffled type cause me to have headaches. I think orange juice is a randy drink with the right amount of zealousness. While I was enjoying a feisty waffle breakfast, my fingers became temporarily stuck together. As I stared out at Ed Asner’s back, they finally came apart. The table that I was sitting at reminded me of cantaloupes. I must take a strong stance on the issue that there are indeed some items in the world that do not receive their fair due, such as the graham cracker. While we must consider marshmallows, the aluminum foil in my abode has begun to peel. Has the same occurred with you? Or am I alone in this world?
Laszlo
10-31-87
Dear Ferdinand
Today I fed crackers to some ducks. I hypothesize that I have underestimated their superiority as they ignored the crackers. Why do they allow the sidekick to speak? I viewed the one hundred and fourteenth film in my life today. After reading your last letter, I wept. Upon regaining my senses from hearing that you most likely will suffer another heart attack, I set out to create several strategies to aid you in defeating the second attack. Have you officially declared war on your attackers? Do not take this question softly as it has implications with respect to the legality of your defense. I hope the strategies that I shall soon send to you assist you any future attacks. I have spent a great deal of time at the library researching the battle plans of great warriors. All widget and humdinger production has been halted during this time of war. I do not think I would look good in black. I believe there are too many words in the world. Is that how your situation came about? I appear to be very itchy. Goodbye for now.
Laszlo
11-13-87
Dear Ferdinand
Was Dorchesfsky right when he said, “It does not matter, which came first, the chicken or the egg; but which one we are having for lunch”? If so, does Matatoy’s mussing, “It is not what we eat, but when we eat, and with whom we eat with” apply in any way whatsoever? Congratulate me, I have saved one hundred and thirteen cents on lumber. Haza that was quick. On a lighter note, I was conversing with a man today; whom I gather met his wife fishing. He told me that many years ago he was going through his wallet in Singapore looking for a receipt and there she was. What fate! Will fate ever look in my direction? I have left the building. Or have I?
Laszlo
11-30-87
Dear Ferdinand
Do you know how one becomes a superhero? If so, please send word to me as to how. Today I have made a decision that will forever change my life. I dare you to eat a pear while standing on your head. My god, do they have a drill? I believe I have some preconceived misconceptions about you. I consider this an honour to have achieved such status. I believe I have some misconceived preconceptions about you. Have you fulfilled all or most of you life’s goals or wishes? I myself have not had the opportunity to drive a forklift. Hearing of your pain has put many things into perspective. So I shall soon drive a forklift. May your dreams come true.
Laszlo
12-17-87
Dear Ferdinand
Due to the serious nature of this letter, I am wearing gloves as I write. I returned to the library to continue my research towards your situation where I found out the truth. Please forgive me! I had just assumed that I knew what a heart attack was. I was wrong. I hate to be wrong. It hurts so much. I now understand everything and I sit corrected.
There has been very little talk concerning the timely approach of the new millennium. It has given me a lot to think and contemplate about and I do not l like it. The other day while watching television, I began to hear muffled voices in the background. I pressed the mute button on the remote control and the voices disappeared. Those remote controls are such wonderful devices. I think everything in the world should have a remote control and then the ruler of the World would have the remote control for all remote controls. When I pressed the button again the voices were back and when I changed the channel the voices were gone. I have now placed that channel under strict quarantine.
Laszlo
01-28-88
Dear Ferdinand
Why is it that he does not understand? I think I will change the channel. It certainly has been a while since I last received a letter from you. How are your affairs shaping? Have the invitations been sent out yet? I dressed up like a Canadian Mountie once this week. I am still nauseous. I have grown quite fond of pencils, for they can destroy and erase what they create. At the mall, I saw a man with a feather in his cap. He did not have the correct time. The score was 112 to 111. Victory is ours! Carpe diem! Oh Ferdinand, I do not know if I will seek out a new penpal to communicate with. If you have no objections to it, I might consider the issue in further detail. My skin shudders at the very thought that you will soon be quitting for you are my four-leaf clover.
Laszlo
02-29-88
Dear Ferdinand
I can think of one hundred and ten reasons as to why you should consider wearing flannel. However, the decision remains yours. May I have your smoking jacket? I promise to give it a good home. A rather startling occasion occurred this past week; it dawned on me that I do not have a vestibule. I recoiled in shame at the realization. I immediately raced down to the nearest bridal boutique and inquired about a catalogue. I have rediscovered a source of joy in my life as I have realized that Ovide is a wonderful source of entertainment. Facing this reality, I threw my television on the ground and declared it an instrument of the unknown composer. I am anticipating the arrival of a pamphlet in my mail delivery tomorrow that will inform me of various financial options. I have yet to decide as to whether or not I should indeed polish the teapot. I have coyly avoided this issue in my life but have decided that I can hide from it no more even if I was to move to a new city.
Graciously yours….
Laszlo
04-04-88
Dear Ferdinand
I am writing this letter knowing that these words will take quite some time to reach you, for you have lost the second heart attack. We have been correspondents for quite sometime now and I feel that we have grown close in many ways. We have shared thought-provoking insights, biting humour, saucy commentaries, and descriptions of sticky conundrums. I consider it an honour to regard you as a friend. After all you were the only person who would listen to me and I thank you for that.
In keeping with the spirit of our usual exchange, here is a brief synopsis of the events in my life over that past slice of time: Ovide has taught himself a new trick; he now sleeps inside of the castle that I have purchased for him. There is no need for anyone to fret for it is a miniature castle and not a full sized one. That would be truly monstrous and ridiculous! Two weeks ago, I purchased a cheese grater. Though I have yet to find a purpose for it as it did not come with a instruction manual. With little effort, it is now possible for me to meander my way about Buffalo without being recognized. Haza to that! I am in the process of filling out a brochure, which allows me to request additional information pamphlets and brochures. The flowers that I had sent myself arrived not too long ago. At first I was so overcome with joy that I frolicked. This was an unexpected reaction and then I was angered at the fact that I had to pay for flowers. I just wanted to melt the person who had sent them to me. I cannot tolerate such blatant disregard for a fellow human’s economic balance. The simple act of describing this terrible event has made me so furious that I must go shower. Goodbye my dear Ferdinand.
Love Laszlo.
(C) 2006, Marty Finestone
subscribe via any feed reader
